0:00 - The show begins with a run through of the Best Picture contenders set to a frenetic in the Hall of the Mountain King (perhaps a subtle allusion to the final award.)
0:02 – Inception parody (with a cameo by the consistently funny Alec Baldwin), then the hosts, Anne Hathaway and James Franco drop into scenes from the Social Network, the Fighter, True Grit (Morgan Freeman makes an appearance as narrator), the King’s Speech, Black Swan and Back to the Future.
0:07 – I’m hoping the hosts don’t stink up the joint the minute they open their mouths.
0:08 – Anne’s enthusiasm is already getting on my nerves and who told James to skip the makeup?
0:10 – Franco’s grandma sees ‘Marky Mark’!
0:15 – 1st Oscar is awarded (Art Direction, Alice in Wonderland). I can’t stand seeing two recipients with one winner talking incessantly while the other’s eyes beg for the remaining 13 seconds of mic time.
0:21 – Kirk Douglas milks the presentation of Best Supporting Actress for all it’s worth, ya know?
0:27 – Annoyingly false surprise from Melissa Leo who’s won every award leading up to tonight, yet was stunned (STUNNED!) to win again.
0:35 – The first time the ominous orchestra strings begin to play over someone’s speech.
0:42 – Did Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem intend to dress alike?
0:48 – Christopher Nolan genius is again overlooked by the Academy, but winner David Seidler is charmingly funny, mentioning that he is the oldest person to win the award.
0:54 – Anne sings (well)!
0:55 – James struts out in a Marilyn Monroe get up. It’s the funniest thing he does all night.
0:56 – Why is Russell Brand here?
1:04 – Did Christian Bale forget his wife’s name?
1:16 – The sound…SOUND…
1:24 – Marisa Tomei looks FABULOUS!
1:25 – Cate Blanchett looks like she’s wearing a bejeweled picture frame on her chest that looks like it was made from infected wood.
1:29 – Worst speech of the night: Colleen Atwood (Costume Design) who reads every…single…word of her speech.
1:31 – Best Movie Song ever? Eminem? Three Six Mafia? Someone’s trying too hard to be relevant to the under 30 set.
1:32 – President Barack Obama gets in on the fun; Kevin Spacey sings (on key).
1:45 – Best Speech: Luke Matheny (Live Action, Short) who mentioned that he should’ve gotten a haircut and thanked his Mom for providing craft services.
1:47 – Hilarious auto-tuned send up of Harry Potter, Toy Story 3, The Social Network and Twilight.
1:49 – Oprah’s upper half of her dress makes it look like her chest is barely being contained properly or comfortably.
1:52 – ‘Three years after a horrific financial crisis caused by massive fraud, not a single financial executive has gone to jail and that’s wrong!’ (I have to see Inside Job.)
1:59 – Bob Hope’s jokes are still funny almost sixty years later.
2:01 – Jude Law plays straight man to Robert Downey Jr.’s arrogant movie star. Funny, quick and snappy.
2:11 – Jennifer Hudson looks FABULOUS!
2:14 – Gwyneth Paltrow sings (nervously). She should just drop an album. This is her third award show appearance where she’s taken to the mic.
2:22 – The best voice on earth, Celine Dion, sings during the Memoriam montage and mercifully keeps people from applauding their favorite dead person.
2:25 – Halle Berry delivers, straight faced, the blandest reference to racism, ‘…that was a different time in Hollywood.’
2:27 – ‘It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.’
2:33 – Doesn’t Tom Hopper look like a younger James Cameron?
2:42 – Jeff Bridges is forced to give sycophantic introductions for each of the Best Actress nominees.
2:45 – Michelle Williams looks FABULOUS!
2:46 – Natalie Portman wins. I liked her Golden Globes speech better.
2:50 – Sandra Bullock is forced to give sycophantic introductions for each of the Best Actor nominees, but manages to inject playful humor.
2:55 – Colin Firth wins and I wished I’d seen the dance moves ‘stirring within his upper abdominals.’
3:00 – Steven Spielberg manages to compliment the eventual Best Picture winner (The King’s Speech) and losers in one sentence.
3:04 – Students from Staten Island, NY’s PS 22 close the show singing ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow.’ As a native New Yorker it warms the heart.